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• Want To Raise Your Self-Esteem?

Building Self-Esteem in Children
Self-Reflection: What Are You Creating?
Lonely? You are not alone!

Want To Raise Your Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem is a knowing of your True Self, your Divine Essence, and the alignment of your actions, thoughts and feelings with this Essence. Our esteemed self is loving and resourceful. (Resourceful is defined as "once again full of Source.") Our True Self is the unchanging, strong, knowing, essence within.

Self-esteem is not something we need to go find. It is not something outside of us that we either have or don't have. It is not something that we can get from someone else or give to someone else. We all already have it, but it gets covered up under mucky layers of feelings and beliefs that are non-resourceful.

In order to become Source-full and esteemed once again two things are necessary:
1) We must build our sense of who we truly are, aligning our words, thoughts, feelings and actions with this essence.

2) We must let go of who we are not, i.e. letting go of all non-resourceful feelings, thoughts, beliefs and actions.

The following guidelines and exercises are steps toward growing who you really are and letting go of who you really aren't. If you take active, conscious steps in the direction of revealing your Divine Essence you will experience wonderful results!

1) Be Self-Observant
Live Aware!
In order to get where you would like to go, it is important that you first know where you are now. Assess yourself. What is your "starting point?" What are your strengths and weaknesses?

Take a "meta-perspective" of yourself. This means that you become an observer of your thoughts, feelings and actions. Watch how you are in different situations. Experience yourself from a different perspective. The point here is not to judge yourself, but merely access yourself. Discover "what is" about you. When you are self-observant, you become aware. When you become aware of what you are doing, thinking and saying, you realize that you have choices. If what you are saying, thinking or doing isn't working for you,

Ask Yourself Some Important Questions! Self-Inquire. Ask yourself, "What is it like to live with me? What is it like to be in a relationship with me? What is it like to confide in me, to talk to me? What is it like to wake up with me? What am I feeling? What am I thinking? What is the result of the things that I say, think and do?" Become an objective observer of your own behavior so you are able to see where changes may be necessary. Observe your own feelings as you ask and answer these questions.

Every now and then throughout the day, take a "Snap shot" of yourself and how you are being in that moment. Make a conscious choice from this place of observation to adjust any words, thoughts, feelings or behaviors that are not sourced from love.

2) Be Accepting of Yourself and Others
Now that you have observed yourself, accept where you are with love, rather than resistance. It is very difficult to change "what is" when you are resisting the existence of "what is." Resistance is not resourceful. Know that everything is part of your process and that as you grow and learn your circumstances will change. Remember, we are all always doing the best we can with the resources that are available to us. As we become more observant, more conscious and more accepting... more resources become available to us as well and we will be more resourceful!

Do the Mirror Exercise! Look into your own eyes in the mirror and simply "be with yourself' for several minutes. Then, when you are ready, begin telling yourself what you like, love, admire and appreciate about yourself. Maintain eye contact. Breathe! End with "I love you and accept you just the way you are...." Breathe, hold the look. Do this every night and go over all the successes you had during the day. Do it every morning as a pep talk for what you will accomplish that day! Do it every day for 60 days minimum.

Look for your goodness! Make a list of all your good qualities, strengths, and talents. Add to it daily. Aim to identify 50 positive qualities about yourself. Once you've reached that, aim for 100. If you look, you will find them! Take your time... avoid judging yourself for taking time to think of new ones.

Make a list of all your successes! To make this easier, divide your life into thirds and identify successes from each third. No accomplishment is too small to acknowledge on your list! Add to it daily!

3) Let GO of Non-Resourceful Feelings and Thoughts
When you begin these exercises, you may find non-resourceful feelings or memories from the past bubbling to the surface. The good news is that you can let them go! It comes as a surprise to many of us that WE CAN CHOOSE OUR FEELINGS! Feelings are simply trapped energy in your body and you can release them, allowing you to return to a state of resourcefulness. Holding on to non-resourceful feelings requires three things: willingness, intention and commitment. Ironically, Letting go also requires three things: willingness, intention and commitment! Both require the exact same behaviors except holding on requires a whole lot more energy!

First, identify which of two needs your upset is caused by: the need for approval or the need for control. All upsets trace back to one or the other or both. Once you identify it, ask yourself if you want to let it go. Then, ask if you are willing to let it go. Finally, ask yourself when? If the answer is, "now," close your eyes, take a deep breath, focus on the unpleasant feeling you may have in your body and breathe it out. Breathe deeply and release the stuck energy. Do it again and again, until it is gone. Once you have released all that energy you will end up in a resourceful state from which you can make healthy decisions.

With practice you will be able to let go of non-resourceful feelings in an instant, allowing you to handle all situations from a place of resourcefulness. Simply observe, identify, breathe and let go! It truly is THAT simple, once you get out of your own way!

It is important that you also let go of your judgment of others, as well as of yourself. Remember that when you are judging others, you are simply experiencing and/or acting out your need for control. Follow the same steps above to let it go, and return to a place of allowing others to be who and what they are.

4) Live in alignment with your most resourceful self!
Part of growing who you are is identifying what you believe in.

Make a list of your values... what is important to you? What do you believe in? Identify your values, define them and prioritize them. Then actively work to live in alignment with them.

Live responsibly: Align your words and your actions. Do what you say you will do!

CHOOSE how to respond to the events in your life. Our power comes in our response-ability. CHOICE is our power because we have complete freedom to choose how to respond to our circumstances and thus how to create new results.

Give, Serve: A wonderful aspect of our true nature is the joy that we derive from helping others and being of service. Practice conscious acts of kindness! Surprise people unexpectedly. Look for things that you can do to be kind! Do some things for which you will be able to see the other's response and then do some things which no one will ever know you did. The reward for these is simply internal. Mix them up! Have fun plotting to do the world good! Be the answer to someone's prayer!

Express Yourself! Write, dance, draw, play music, sing, do whatever allows you to be creative. Our ultimate nature is creativity and we are often most aligned with our Highest Self when expressing ourselves in a creative manner. Experience your uniqueness through expression! Create! Imagine! Play!

Make a list of everything you love! Add to it daily. be sure that the things you love are in your life regularly!

Create Magic Moments! Get outside! Provide yourself time in nature... some of our most magical moments happen there, when we feel totally at one with Source. Gather unforgettable experiences!

Enjoy each moment! Happiness is whatever is happening NOW. You won't find it in the past, and you can't access it in the future. It is here NOW with you NOW! Pay attention and honor each sacred moment!

5) Take Inspired Action
Live purposefully: Gain clarity on what you want and where you want to go... set goals, create a vision.

SatisfACTION: Take action toward your goals! Whenever you feel lethargic or stuck, you probably just need to make one reasonable step to begin the unsticking process!

Make lists of things you want to do, things you want to learn, places you want to go, people you want to meet... Avoid boredom...it kills our sense of self!

Give your actions and words the "purpose test." Ask yourself if what you are saying and doing are leading you closer to your goals or farther away... consciously choose words and behaviors that move you toward your goals. Aim to have your words and actions based in love. Say and do things that make you, and those around you, feel more loving.

6) Live Appreciatively
List everything you are thankful for... and add to it daily!
FEEL thankful: Stop to look around and honor the beauty that surrounds you. Breathe it in!
The goal is to move into a state of constant appreciation, knowing that everything is perfect. Everything is a mirror for us of what we are creating. If you don't like the results you are receiving, then offer thanks for the sign, and change what you are doing so as to create different results.

Receive Compliments: Allow yourself to accept valid compliments, rather than simply dismissing them. In order to do this, you must offer the compliment to yourself--from yourself!

Give Compliments: Let people know what you appreciate in them! Give thanks to those for whom you are thankful.

7) Live Spiritually
Receive the blessings that God has surrounded you with...be attentive, NOTICE!
"The breeze of grace is always blowing, but we must set our sails to catch it!" -- Ramakrishna

Meditate! In silence we can hear the voice of God.
Trust your intuition. LISTEN TO YOUR SELF! Give yourself quiet time everyday to simply listen to communication from your soul. Turn off the TV and the Radio. Go into peace! Pay attention to what you hear!
Open your heart to love and to be loved!

Laugh! Our higher selves have a great sense of humor! Enjoy! Laugh! Celebrate!

Love God! Receive God's love! A common misunderstanding is that God is a punishing entity that needs to be feared. Quite the contrary, God is an entity which honors us with a continuous flow of blessings and eternal opportunities to improve and to know ourselves. The goal is that we can sit in the presence of God's pure and total unconditional love for us AND NOT JUDGE OURSELVES, but rather simply RECEIVE! (This is not as easy as it seems!) The more we align ourselves NOW with our Highest Self, the easier that will be. Live each day as if this is the day that you will sit in the waterfall of God's unconditional love...because, of course, it is! and You ARE!

8) Live in Balance
Do something every day for your body, mind and spirit.

Take care of your body, exercise, eat healthfully and balanced, dance, move, massage, make love... whatever is most honoring in respect for your body.

Feed Your Mind! Learn, study, grow... try new things! Stretch! Our minds LOVE to learn. Explore! Discover! Grow!

Soothe your soul, get out in nature, worship, pray, listen, read, write, create!

Most important... LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! Shower the world with love! This can only be possible if you have showered yourself with love first! Make it your personal mission to assist others in feeling more loving on account of coming in contact with you!

Building Self-Esteem in Children
When they are Good they are very, very good….

A common misconception is the belief that building self-esteem in children means that we overlook what they do wrong and only focus on what they do right. Rather, building self-esteem in the face of poor behavior requires separating the deed from the doer, focusing on the behavior that is unacceptable or bad rather than implying that the child is unacceptable or bad. Notice the difference between these two statements: “You are a bad child for writing on the walls” versus “Writing on the walls is unacceptable behavior.” One comment is based in judgment of the child, and the other is based in education regarding the child's behavior. Both may have the exact same consequence in terms of a time-out, a privilege taken away, or having to clean off the walls, but your response will determine the way the child feels about himself (and you). Providing fair and consistent discipline is also an important part of developing emotionally healthy individuals. Erratic or unjust discipline can do just the opposite. Remember, the root meaning of “discipline” is “to teach.”

Sometimes adults think they want the child to feel bad about him- or herself when he or she does something wrong, but this thinking is problematic. When a child begins to think that who they really are is a bad kid, they are going to align their behavior with that belief. If, instead, when they misbehave, you say things to them like, “Wow, it isn't like you to be mean to your little brother; you are usually so kind and considerate,” you have reinforced the reality that acting poorly is not the child's natural behavior, and you have reinforced the idea that his or her true nature is to be good. When we think (or know) that who we really are is a powerful, kind, loving, spiritual, wise, capable, caring being, we are far more likely to behave that way. It is our responsibility as the adults in their lives to teach this message.

In listening to kids and teenagers I have learned the following:
• They are watching you, more than listening to you, for their example.
• They want you to love them, to let them know you do, and to show them that love.
• They want you to appreciate and notice them; they need your attention and acknowledgement. If they don't get it from the positive things they do, they will get it in other ways.
• They want you to notice what they are doing and what is going on in their lives and to guide them with love when they are off track, guide them and warn them, and then trust them to act responsibly.
• They want you to let them learn from the natural consequences of their mistakes.
• They want you to be fair and consistent-not wishy-washy and lenient, nor strict and controlling.
• They want you to reprimand or correct them privately and praise them publicly.
• They want you to stay in the present moment instead of reminding them of their past mistakes. This allows them to learn from and move beyond errors of the past.
• They want you to be responsible and to encourage them to be responsible. They want you to show them, not just tell them, how to be good people.
• They want you to take care of yourselves. It is painful to them when they hear about the dangers of smoking and drinking at school, and then come home to a house full of those behaviors. They are afraid of losing you when they know that your choices aren't healthy.
• They want you to separate the deed from the doer. They want you to remember that they are good children who sometimes do bad things.
• They want you to spend time with them. They want to have fun and play with you so that chores and homework aren't the only things they spend time doing when they are with you. Recreation re-creates families as well as relationships.
• They want and need some semblance of spiritual life. Whether the family is religious or not, kids need to have a sense of the sacred, powerful aspect of themselves and of all that is around them.

Funny, it seems to me that this is what everyone truly wants in a relationship. What about you?

Self-Reflection: What Are You Creating?

Time is our canvas and we are the artists, so as you reflect on your life-are you creating a masterpiece that you love and want to show others?

New beginnings are great opportunities to pretend that we get a fresh start, an opportunity to wipe the slate clean and begin again. The onset of a new year is a great time marker that allows us to do “progress reports,” set new intentions and make changes.
Often, in order to “wipe the slate clean” there are some things we need to do to clean up from the year past. Perhaps there are people we need to apologize to, or people whom we need to forgive. Perhaps we have debts to pay or projects that need completion before we are truly ready to move in a new direction. Sometimes, we simply need a solid plan, a set of directions, in order to transform our lives.

When someone asks you for directions, the first question you will need to ask them is, “Where are you coming from?” You can't give someone accurate directions without knowing their starting point. The second thing you will need to know is, “Where do you want to go?” The same is true when we consider making changes in our lives. We can't make a solid plan for getting where we want to be without first looking at where we are currently are, assessing our assets, and noticing where improvement is needed. This is when a little self-reflection and inquiry can go along way.

Take the time to ponder and perhaps journal on these questions:
Who are you? What do you want? What do you believe in? What rules do you live by? What are you pretending not to notice? Are you living in alignment with your values? Are you manifesting the life you want to live? Are you making your decisions from your ego- or your spirit-self? What role does fear play in your decisions? How are you honoring your body, mind, heart and spirit? Are you living in integrity in all areas of your life? Are you happy? What is the quality of your relationships?

Notice your answer to these questions simply from observation. Just notice. When we observe ourselves, we become aware. We wake up. When we are aware of what we are doing, we suddenly realize that we have choice as to whether what we are doing is serving us or not. If not, we have the opportunity to make a new choice, to do something differently, to change the “painting,” to transform our lives.

Another question that is valuable to consider is “Who is on your team?” I often fall into the trap thinking that I am doing everything on my own, that I am a “one woman show.” But when I take the time to assess my team, I am always amazed to see how many people are there in the wings supporting me, helping me, encouraging me and yes, sometimes challenging me, pushing me forward. As you assess your life, take the time to notice and acknowledge the people who have shown up as your team, your mentors, and your challengers.

Remember too to recognize that the “Spirit realm” is also on your team. Whether you call this force God, or Spirit, or All That Is or your Guardian Angels, remember that the universe is ganging up to grow you, to teach you, to perfect Its masterpiece-you. Even when life seems challenging, when you look a little deeper for the blessings, you will likely see that the world is ganging up to do you good. Go forth into the New Year ganging up to do the world good and the circle, the balance, will be complete.

Lonely? You are not alone!

A lot of depression starts to brew in the weeks before Valentine's Day. “Another year, no partner…heavy sigh.” You are not alone-even on the issue of being alone! When you are home thinking you are the only person left on the entire planet without a spouse, guess again. New studies show that 51% of all women and 45% of men are living without a spouse.

Funny enough, we usually think that if we want to increase our odds of getting married that we need to be more social, get more fit, get plastic surgery to enhance various body parts, read Cosmopolitan for tips on being sexy, study the rules of dating, and get online to post a profile. But according to statistics, what you really need to do if you want to increase your odds of getting married-and staying married-is get a college education. Education increases the likelihood of marriage success by nearly nine percent.

Who knows exactly why, but I like to think that when we are equipped with stills and tools (education), we are better able to resolve problems, communicate clearly and overcome the obstacles that relationships invariably encounter. Perhaps what an education does is teach us that we have access to information that can help us-in all areas of our lives.

The truth is though, that just because you are married or with a partner, doesn't mean you are exempt from feeling alone. A study was done a few years back of 1000 single people who were asked what their number one complaint was; the majority answered, “loneliness.” Then the study asked the same question of married people and ironically, the majority of them answered, “loneliness” too. Clearly, feelings of loneliness have little to do with the proximity of another body and far more to do with the quality of that relationship. A sense of loneliness also has a great deal to do with your sense of self-esteem and your level of enjoyment of keeping yourself company. My guess is that people who like themselves, enjoy their lives and are involved in a myriad of interests and activities are far less likely to feel lonely-even when alone. Boredom breeds a sense of loneliness. “Nothing to do” is far less fulfilling with “no one to do it with.”

Self-esteem is the other big ingredient to feeling connected. If you don't like yourself or don't feel deserving of someone's love you are far more likely to feel lonely-even in the midst of a full time relationship. When we don't feel deserving of love, we are distrustful of those who love us. We can't believe they are telling the truth or that they are really happy with us (because we aren't happy with ourselves-so how could they be?), Consequently, we start to sabotage the relationship, often unconsciously. We become distrusting and possessive. We get critical. We get needy. We get depressed. We alienate the other person and cause a sense of isolation (i.e. loneliness), often mistakenly blaming the other person when in reality it was our own lack of self-love that started the avalanche.

So, here is the good news-without even having to go to college-you can actively engage in “studying” for your love life. Make it your goal to get a “degree” in self-love and relationship skills.

Here is your homework:
1) Make a daily list of what you like, love and admire about yourself and your life. If you are already in a partnership, include a list of what you appreciate about your partner.

2) Make it a habit to look in the mirror at the end of the day, deeply into your own eyes, and lovingly acknowledge those things that you appreciate about yourself.

3) Pay attention to your “self-talk.” When you start beating yourself up or downgrading yourself, stop. Even when you make a mistake, rather than beating yourself up, allow that experience to make you determined to do it right or better next time.

4) Seek information or support to help you. Books, CDs, TV shows, web sites, workshops, coaches, and counselors, abound. Don't let education (or a lack of an education) be an excuse for ignorance (ignoring what you need to know). Study self-discovery. Study self-esteem enhancement. Study joy.

Actively discover what makes you joyful-with or without a partner. You'll find that joy is a very attractive quality.

For more in depth information on any of these topics, see Eve's books.
For dating: "Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be" and "Virtual Foreplay: Making Your Online Relationship a Real-Life Success." For marriage or relationship success: "How to Love Your Marriage: Making Your Closest Relationship Work." For spirituality and personal growth: "Way of the Winding Path: A Map for the Labyrinth of Life" and "Rings of Truth."