Click here for more advice on Sexuality

Since so many people find my web site by searching on the keywords "Foreplay Tips," I have provided the following excerpt from How to Love Your Marriage to assist you!

A Woman's Perspective: Tips for Improving Your Sex Life, Part 1

• Touch with no agenda. When reigniting both the love and the passion in your marriage, a little non-sexual touch can go a long way. Make sure you reach out and touch your partner at various times of the day that have nothing to do with heading toward the bedroom. When a woman feels affection beyond the bedroom, she is more likely to share her affection in the bedroom. If every touch or every kiss translates to “it is time to have sex,” the result could be a withdrawal of all affection. Holding hands, a neck rub, hugs, kissing, back rubs, foot rubs-all of these sweet gestures feel good; they are like the foreplay to the foreplay. Non-sexual physical touch serves as emotional touch.

• Explore and honor your partner's whole body. As musician John Mayer so aptly puts it in his song, consider your bodies a “wonderland” and enjoy the process of discovery. There are many parts of the body that enjoy being touched besides the genitals. Hmmm, come to think of it, every part of the body enjoys being touched!

• Show each other what you like and how you like to be touched. If done playfully, the teaching-and the watching-can be almost as much fun as the doing.

• Engage the element of surprise. Remember the common denominator of what was considered “romantic” was the unexpected thoughtful gesture. The unexpected sexual encounter or experiment-when based in thoughtfulness-will likely have the same effect. This is not, “Surprise, this is what you can do for me...” but “Surprise, look what I am going to do for you!” It is in giving that we receive.

• Don't wait, initiate. Instead of wondering why the two of you are not having sex, initiate the experience. There is no time like the present.

• Schedule Sex Dates. If time is limited, take the initiative to schedule the encounter into your day planner and make plans with your spouse weekly. This can take some of the pressure off trying to find the time and ensure that you have intimate time together. One couple I spoke with got tired of trying to squeeze sex into their busy lives-unsuccessfully at that-so they began scheduling a “sex date” every week. If they managed to find an opportunity in between, great, but if not, they knew they had something to look forward to, and would anticipate it, plan for it…and enjoy it. If your spouse requests sex and you say, “No,” give him or her a time in which it would work better for you and stick to your word. “Not tonight honey...but definitely in the morning” would be far easier to receive than “Not tonight.”

• Shake it up. If you are bored with your sex life, stop being boring. If the lights are always on, turn them off and make love in the pitch dark of night. Try having sex with the lights on, your eyes open and maintaining eye contact the whole time. If you always have sex when getting up or going to bed, try the middle of the afternoon. Always in the bedroom? Try the shower, the kitchen, the closet...anywhere else. If you always have sex naked, try it with some clothes or lingerie on-or vice versa.

• Self-observe. Use your newly developed skill of self-observation to pay attention to your wandering mind during sex. Constantly bring your attention back from the past or the future to the present moment and engage with your partner now. While you are at it, monitor your self-talk. Think sexy and you'll be amazed how your body responds.

• Enjoy “Mini-Sex.” If you are too tired or don't have time for intercourse or oral sex, try a quicker, mutually satisfying interlude of masturbation, sex toys or a “teaser” for later. The key is staying sexually connected.

• If it doesn't feel good, do something different. Pain kills pleasure (for most people). If you are in pain, communicate that to your spouse and immediately do something different, i.e. sex is supposed to feel good!

• Make it safe. Expressing your sexuality can be a vulnerable experience. Keep ego, judgment, teasing, sarcasm and criticism out of the bedroom. One critical comment about your spouse's body, technique, or sexuality can equal years of limited, inhibited sex or none at all. Guiding your partner by telling him or her what you like and using I-statements instead of you-statements will lead to years of mutual enjoyment.

• Try it; you'll like it! Desires to experiment should be explored with a “what is in it for him or her” approach-not just what is in it for you. Make sure both of you are likely to benefit and make mutual pleasure your selling point. On that same note, sometimes you just won't know if you like it until you try it. Aim to keep an open mind to your spouses requests to see if you can discover, “What is in it for me.” It may be that a slight alteration of the strategy does the trick. A little creativity can go a long way.

• Express your appreciation and enjoyment. The reason cats are fun to pet is simply because they purr. Make sure you let your partner know that you like what he or she is doing, and thank them for their gift to you. When your partner knows what you love, they are likely to do it again.

• Compliment your spouse. Tell your spouse that he or she is beautiful, handsome, sexy and good in bed. Your spouse is more likely to be sexy when he or she feels sexy. Reassuring your spouse that you still find him or her attractive will help your spouse to overcome (or temporarily forget about) any insecurities he or she may have.

• Give, just for the sake of giving. Every now and then, treat your spouse to an orgasmic encounter, with no expectation of reciprocating.

• Take advantage of technology. There must be something to it if so many people are losing their spouses to online communication. The key here is to limit your online tryst to your spouse. Instant message each other. Send each other love letters. Ask questions. Share fantasies. “Pick up” on each other. Flirt. Use the Internet to practice intellectual foreplay as a set up for when you get home. You may find that a different aspect of your personality emerges in writing.

• Do unto your spouse, as your spouse would have you do unto him or her. Touch your spouse the way he or she wants to be touched. Often, the only way to know how to do that is to ask.

A Man's Perspective: Tips for Improving Your Sex Life, Part 2
To provide a man's perspective on sex, below you will find some excellent tips by Dr. Bob Berkowitz, one of America's leading authorities on sex.

• The five-minute massage. This is a great technique if you need a little help getting in the mood. Alternate with your partner on massaging his/her front or back. For example: you start off massaging your partner's front for five minutes. Your partner returns the favor. Then you do the same thing for the back. It's the best investment of twenty minutes you can ever make in your love life.

• Show and tell. None of us are mind readers. You need to show your partner exactly what you like, how you like it, at what speed and intensity. Simply put: masturbate in front of each other. Not to mention, for many people, it's a great turn on to watch or be watched. Which reminds me...

• Make sex a whole body experience. Sometimes we make a bee line for the genitals and never leave. Not that there's anything wrong with paying lots of attention and time to that part of the body. But it's also a great idea to spread the sexual energy all around. Explore every part of your partner's body. Leave nothing to chance. During or right after orgasm you may even want to run your hands from your partner's genitals throughout his or her body in order to spread the sexual energy. And speaking of other parts of the body.…

• Oral sex: A full-body experience. Let your tongue wander. Again, don't let the genitals be the sole target of attention.

• Who's in charge? Alternate on who initiates sex. One of the top male sexual fantasies is for a woman to be sexually assertive or confident. In other words she's in charge. Done all the time, that can get old, so take turns.

• Fantasy exchange. Have the courage to reveal your inner most fantasies. And while you're at it, encourage your partner to reveal his or hers. This can be an exciting and erotic addition to your love life. But remember, sometimes a fantasy is just that, it doesn't mean you have to or even want to act it out. Some people don't want to enact their fantasies. Can they really match your sexual dream? After all, you are the star, writer and director of your fantasy. Reality can rarely match that. In addition, your fantasy might be frightening to you partner. So, what to do….

* Virtual fantasies. Let's say your favorite fantasy is to have sex with a third person in bed with you and your partner but your partner finds that uncomfortable? Well, use your imagination. Pretend there's a third person there. You and your partner can describe the way that person would look and what he or she would do and what you would do. Much of the fun without the complications... Remember: fantasies are a wonderful dress (or undress) rehearsal for lovemaking.

• The eyes have it. Try keeping your eyes open during lovemaking. It might intensify your connection-emotionally, physically, and spiritually-with your partner. Which leads me to.…

• Keep your attention on your partner. Try to keep your focus on the person you're being intimate with. You might find that it makes all the difference in how you and your partner feel about sex.

• His secret erogenous zone. Did you know that at least 30 percent of all men find their nipples an erogenous zone? Same thing with that area between the anus and scrotum. Unfortunately, some men find it threatening to be touched there, as if were a threat to their masculinity. Gently touch those areas, gauge the reaction and proceed from there.

• The joys of toys. Traditionally, sex toys (vibrators, dildos, feathers) have been the domain of women. Men are beginning to see what stimulates her clitoris for example could just as easily pleasure his penis. Some men feel threatened by a woman who seemingly falls in love with her vibrator. They fear that they can easily be replaced by that electric gadget. There's nothing wrong with a woman coming to orgasm with a vibrator, but she should make sure that her partner is part of the process, perhaps by asking him to caress, kiss her, or hold the vibrator for her.

• Bored in bed? Get out of bed! We can get in a rut by making love in the same way and in the same place. Try any room in the house or the backyard for that matter. But if the bedroom is your principal place for lovemaking, make it a special place... keep flowers, oils or anything for your sacred space.

• Having trouble expressing your feelings? Hit the road. Dr. June Reinisch has a great idea for talking to your partner about sensitive issues. Do it while driving. After all, you're both looking ahead (without eye contact, it's often easier to express your feelings) and since you're in the car, it's not likely that one of you is going to run off that easily.

• Lights on. Since so much of sex is about visual stimulation, why do it in the dark? Studies show that men for example love watching oral sex being performed on them.

• Intercourse: It's not the only game in town. I sometimes think we're too intercourse oriented. It's a wonderful way of expressing your sexuality, but let's face it, it takes a lot of effort and time. Some people work so hard and have so many responsibilities, that they skip sex because of the time and energy commitment. So let's broaden the definition of sex to include things like mutual masturbation or solo sex with your partner holding you or caressing you. If we're too intercourse oriented....

• We're too orgasm oriented. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with orgasms. But we seem to make it the end all and be all of sex...as if some how we've failed if we didn't climax. It seems we need to focus more on the journey than the destination.

• Sex is a voluntary sport. Never coerce, force or pressure anyone to do something that they don't want to do. That being said, take a risk in trying something you've never done that is mutually agreeable.

• How to criticize someone in bed? Don't! Let's face it, we all feel a little (maybe a lot) vulnerable when it comes to sex. Positive reinforcement will go a long way in getting your lover to do what you need. Say something like, “I love it when you do that to me.” Instead of complaining about what your partner is doing (that is unless you're being hurt or abused), tell him/her what you like.

• Reach out and touch someone. Have phone or computer sex with someone you love. You might find that it's easier to say what turns you on when you're not face to face.

• Have fun. Sometimes I think we get so clinical about sex, we forget that it's supposed to be fun. It's adult playtime. Do what ever you and your partner think is o.k. to put some joy in your lovemaking-dress up, dress down, use restraints, whatever, just enjoy!

Dr. Bob Berkowitz is the author of the best selling books, What Men Won't Tell You, But Women Need to Know and His Secret Life: Male Sexual Fantasies. He has a Ph.D. in clinical sexology and is also a certified hypnotherapist.

For more in depth information on any of these topics, see Eve's books.

For dating: "Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be" and "Virtual Foreplay: Making Your Online Relationship a Real-Life Success." For marriage or relationship success: "How to Love Your Marriage: Making Your Closest Relationship Work." For spirituality and personal growth: "Way of the Winding Path: A Map for the Labyrinth of Life" and "Rings of Truth."