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Question your Goals…..

So you think you know what you want; are you sure?
When I was much younger and pondering having children as a life's path, my girlfriend who had children said, “You should only have kids if you can't live without having kids-it requires that much commitment.” When I really thought about it, I began to realize that while I had all the proper maternal instincts, the pressure to be a mom was more of a cultural society thing than my own real goal. I could live without making that choice. Ever since, I chose to “birth books and borrow babies” instead.

Marriage and long-term relationships require that much commitment too, and yet we often make the decision not because we really want the relationship we are in or the person we are with, but because we want the fantasy dream of a long term loving relationship with someone.
When you really look at the source of your goals and desires, you will often discover that you are operating from peer pressure, social norms and expectations or the desire to create a certain image, more than you actually want the goal. When a goal is generated by ego-the need to get approval from others or the need to control others, you may still achieve the goal (having kids, getting married, starting your own business, etc), but you may well find that it is a struggle every step of the way.

A woman once told me that she was upset because none of the guys she had dated wanted to marry her. So I simply asked, “If they had, were there any of them that you would have said 'yes' to?” She replied, “Oh no, none of them were the right choice for me!” Her ego wanted these men to want her. Social training told her that the men she dated should want to marry her, but she wasn't trained to stop and ask herself what she really wanted. The truth be told, she didn't want to marry them either; that recognition allowed her to move into appreciation rather than resentment. If one had asked her to marry him, her fairy tale desire to say yes would have kicked in and a very big decision may have been made for all the wrong reasons.

A young woman friend of mine who is in the dating stage of life recently confided in me that all of her friends are getting married and having kids and she realized that watching them was pushing her “It is time for me to get married and have kids” buttons. When she really stopped to examine whether that was truly what she wanted at this stage of her life she realized it was not-nor had she met the right guy yet. My guess is that one of the reasons that one out of two marriages end in divorce is because we don't take the time to make sure we are marrying the right person for the right reasons at the right time. Once we do make that choice, we often don't make sure that we have the skills and capacity for transcending our ego (judgment, jealousy, possessiveness, the need for approval and the need to be right) so that we are capable of being compassionate and loving.

The same holds true for any major decision-starting a business, taking on new job, going to school for a higher degree, moving to a new place. Whenever you discover a desire or a goal, take the time to analyze whether this is something you really want, something that will really make you happy or will serve you over time. Ask yourself if your commitment is so great that you can't live with the decision not to do that thing. If you know it is what you really want to do or that this step will bring you what you really want, then go for it fully committed to learn what you need to know to make give it a good chance of success. Go forth knowing that this decision is your choice.

Love Tip of the Week: What do you want-and why?

Love Tip of the Week: As you launch into a commitment, define “success.” A successful relationship may not be one that lasts, but rather one from which you learn and grow.

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Enter the “No Drama” Zone

Recently, I had a friend tell me he was choosing to live in “The No-Drama Zone.” I loved that comment because I, too, prefer to dwell there! In my mind, the “no drama zone” is one in which hatred, prejudice, jealousy, scarcity, possessiveness, judgment and anger are kept to a minimum, and are seen as opportunities for self-improvement.

Then, last night I had the joy of hearing Armando Cruz Sanchez and Maria Inez Correa speaking on Toltec Wisdom and they shared that the secret to having more energy is to “Stop complaining, stop criticizing and stop condemning.” They explained that all the extra energy that is saved can be spent on creating joy, harmony and happiness. Ah, I recognize the “no drama zone” in the ancient wisdom of Mexico.

Next week, Maui has a golden opportunity to consciously become a “no drama zone.” With the visit of His Holiness The Dalai Lama we are about to be even more blessed than we already are. It doesn't matter what religion you are, we are all invited to receive the blessing. It doesn't matter whether you even go to hear him speak. It doesn't matter whether you can understand or hear a thing he says. What matters is that we have a two-day window when thousands of us are going to be focused on the message of the Dalai Lama. And his message is a beautiful one. His message is one of compassion, peace, kindness, personal responsibility and love.

What if we all took this opportunity to make those two days-the 24th and the 25th-days of “no drama”? What if for those two days we all-regardless of race, gender or religion-focused on peace, kindness and compassion?

While we have a golden opportunity to embrace these universal spiritual teachings, the irony is that those two days may well also be the most challenging days to practice. There is almost a guarantee that traffic is going to be severely increased, lines are going to be long, patience is going to be tested, and that security and the potential for drama will be at an all time high.

Let's consider this an invitation to us all to use this visit as an opportunity to be self-observant and consciously align our behavior with our highest spiritual values. Let us use the Dalai Lama's visit as an opportunity to consciously make Maui a “no drama zone” and even more importantly to practice making our own beings a “no-drama zone.”

For just two days, become conscious of the way you speak to your family, your friends-and yourself. Align your words with compassion, understanding and kindness.

Use those two days to manage your stress-take a walk, meditate, walk a labyrinth, sit on the beach-and ponder peace. “Energy flows where attention goes” so don't underestimate the power of your thoughts.

Practice patience in traffic and peaceful driving. Manage your road rage. Tread quietly. Let others turn in front of you. Make room for those trying to merge. Give extra space between you and the car in front of you.

For just two days, refrain from swearing. Refrain from complaining. Refrain from condemning. Refrain from criticizing.

For just two days, tell the people you love how you feel. Apologize to those you have wronged. Forgive those who have wronged you. For just two days, make your relationships a “no drama zone.” Just stop feeding the drama and focus your energy on what you want to create instead.

Imagine the power a little island like Maui can generate if we all focus on peace and compassion, for just two days. Imagine the ripple effect! If we all do this, we could create a tsunami of love and compassion the whole world would feel.

Who knows, maybe you'll like it so much you'll go for three days, or adopt the choice to live continuously in the “no drama zone.”

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What You Think is What you Get

After watching The Secret, so many people seem to think The Law of Attraction is some kind of magic, and sometimes it seems that way. More often than not, however, your reality is a direct result of what you are thinking, saying and doing on a much more practical level. Your thoughts, words and actions hold power-the power to transform your experience. Let's talk about thoughts for a minute and how they can impact relationships. In the realm of intimacy, thoughts are critical in terms of what you are thinking about, what you are thinking about your partner, what you are thinking about yourself, and what you are thinking your partner is thinking about you. It sounds confusing because it can be. Our thoughts have the power to turn a beautiful moment into a horrendous one, or vice versa.

Imagine your partner is preparing for a romantic evening and lights a candle. The candle causes you think about whether or not you paid the electrical bill yet. Suddenly you are totally preoccupied with paying bills and the romantic mood quickly disappears. What you were thinking about totally changed the mood, and undoubtedly the outcome of the evening.

Imagine your partner is preparing for a romantic evening and you start thinking, “What again? He only acts this way when he wants sex. I'm sick and tired of having to respond every time he….” The romantic opportunity is completely contaminated with what you were thinking about your partner.

Imagine your partner is preparing for a romantic evening and places his (or her) hand around your waist. You start wondering if he can feel how much weight you've gained. You start to be uncomfortable with your partner's touches and attention because you are thinking about having to get naked in front of him or her. Then you start thinking about how out of shape you have become, how uncomfortable you are with your body and the romantic mood is severely damaged because of what you were thinking about yourself.

Imagine your partner is preparing for a romantic evening and glances over at you and smiles sweetly. Then you notice that his eyes pass over the pile of clothes in the corner of the room, which haven't yet made it to the wash. You start thinking that he is wondering what you did all day. You guess, “Does he think I was watching TV? He must think that I'm lazy. Doesn't he know how much I do? How dare he!” Suddenly you are mad and fighting with your partner instead of sharing a romantic evening all because of a story you made up in your head about what you thought your spouse was thinking about you. In reality, a l he was really thinking was about how much he was looking forward to what he thought was about to come next.

Notice in every one of these scenarios the event was the same-your partner was preparing for a romantic evening. Your response to the event-in the form of thoughts-is what created the different outcomes, none of which were in alignment with the goal of having a healthy, loving relationship.

Had we played these scenarios out further, you would likely see that what you were choosing to think then attracted the very thing you wanted to avoid-judgment, disharmony, disconnection from your partner. Had you chosen in any given moment to simply appreciate and receive the loving attention your partner was attempting to share with you-and return it in some manner, a very different experience would have been the outcome.

The same holds true when your partner doesn't prepare for or attempt a romantic evening. Notice what you are thinking and creating then, too.

The good news is that you can change what you think. To do so, you have to become aware of your thoughts and what they are doing to you (instead of blaming your partner). Practice self-observation, notice your self-talk and refocus your attention on the goal of what you are trying to create. The Law of Attraction means, in essence, that you create your reality through the power of your thoughts, words and actions. Try changing your thoughts and watch how your experience “magically” changes, too.

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Keeping It Romantic when it is NOT Valentine's Day
We all know the rituals of Valentine's Day-candy, flowers, wining and dining, sweet cards professing love-but what about the day after, the week after, the month after? How do you keep the love alive and thriving EVERY day of the year?

This is the one area people in long-term relationships can learn relationship skills from newbies. Remember new love? Consider the interactions that caused you to become interested in each other in the first place. Did you fall in love over sharing your hearts in communication? Did you fall in love doing things that you enjoy in common: camping, bike riding, traveling, reading, and so on. Pay special attention to incorporating the way you interacted in the beginning. Also, sprinkle a little bit of the element of surprise into your relationship. Romance is something that usually catches us just a little off guard; it is the unexpected thoughtfulness or kind gesture that communicates love.

Here are some reminders:
Look into each other's eyes. Eyes are the windows to the soul, as they say. It is almost impossible not to feel the love of and for another when looking deeply into their eyes. Take that moment every day to consciously share a glance across the table, to simply gaze into each other's eyes, to establish eye contact when proposing a toast or saying “I love you,” or to make a practice of spending one minute a day silently looking into each other's eyes.

Communicate your love. New couples go out of their way to contact each other. They send each other messages via email or instant messaging regularly. They call each other just to check in and say hi, several times throughout the day. They send letters and cards. They let the other person know that they are thinking about them. They take advantage of the opportunity to say, “I love you” directly and indirectly throughout the day. Spend an hour walking and talking or just turn off the TV and spend an hour together exploring hopes, dreams, plans for the house-whatever. Develop your curiosity and inquire about the other.

Celebrate the silence. An equally important form of communication is to be comfortable being in total silence together. Enjoy the sounds of nature. Enjoy just being together with nothing needing to be said.

Do silly little things. Romance can have a silly edge to it. Life can get so serious and the reminder to lighten up and be playful is invaluable! As you explore falling in love with your spouse again and again, enjoy being playful together.

Laugh! Maintaining a sense of humor is critical to keeping the joy alive in a relationship. Seek out opportunities to laugh together.

Spend time together. Make a point of going on “dates.” Even if you can't get away from the kids, do romantic things with them. Go on picnics; go to the movies, walk on the beach, watch the sunset.

Touch. Couples falling in love touch each other. They hold hands. They put their arms around each other. They hug and they kiss. They connect physically regardless of whether it is sexual. Amazingly, couples who have been together for a long time can manage to go through an entire day without touching. Make a conscious point to touch your partner in a loving way daily.

Put it in writing. Poetry and love letters have been sweet expressions of love throughout the ages. They are time-proven symbols of romance.

Enjoy the simple, little expressions of care. New couples don't need big, monumental expressions of love to feel the connection. They revel in a glance. They rejoice from a phone call. Strive to continue allowing the simple things to fuel your relationship.

Communicate your appreciation. “Catching your spouse (or your kids) doing something right” and letting them know goes a lot further than always (and only) focusing on what they do wrong and reminding them of that. Thank him or her for her efforts-no matter how small.

Focus all your attention on what you love about the other person. New couples tend to see only what they love in the other, often to the full exclusion of seeing anything else. Simply set your intention to see your partner's goodness. As Benjamin Franklin said, “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”

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Keep Your Eye on the Love
On the television show I Love Lucy, Ricky and Lucy were in the middle of a huge fight and were no longer talking to each other. Ricky was complaining to Fred about it when Fred asked, “Ricky, when you and Lucy fight, how long do you usually go without talking to each other?”
Ricky answered, “About three days.”
Then Fred asked, “What happens after three days to resolve it?”
Ricky explained, “I apologize and we make up.”
“Well,” Fred reasoned, “Why don't you just apologize and make up now and avoid three days in the dog house?!”

Fred's wisdom seems so simple, but when we are in the midst of an argument, we often get so caught up in being right that we totally lose sight of our goal: a harmonious, loving relationship. We have to be careful not to turn a small issue into a huge ego battle simple because we lost sight of the big picture goal-love. When you find yourself in a battle in which the only thing at stake is your ego, the best way to get out of the battle is to let the other person win.

In addition to a clearly defined desire to have a healthy, harmonious relationship, you can resolve issues more quickly and easily if you and your partner (or family) create and agree to some rules for fair fighting. Be sure to set up the guidelines when you are not in the midst of a fight. A search on the Internet will yield numerous suggestions for “rules for fair fighting.” Pick and choose based on your and your partner's personality and what makes sense to you.

Here are some examples:
1. Keep your voice to a “conversation” level. Avoid yelling. This can be difficult when you are really upset, but guaranteed, getting louder does not equal being heard.

2. Save important discussions and disagreements for “alcohol and drug-free” moments. It is nearly impossible to have a conversation of value when one or both partners are under the influence.

3. Keep the issue about the present situation. Avoid bringing the past into the argument or mixing issues together (unless they are relevant to the current issue.)

4. Clean up little issues, before they compound into big issues, but avoid being “nit picky” about every little thing.

5. Let go of the ego, i.e., “being right,” and focus instead on the goal of resolving the issue and maintaining a loving relationship.

6. Move on quickly. Once something is resolved or has been expressed, let go of it and move on. Don't bring it up again and rehash it unless it still hasn't been resolved.

7. Take responsibility for your part of the problem. It is always a good idea to see if there is anything you can do differently, before asking or expecting your partner to do something differently.

8. Keep it a clean argument. No name calling or swearing at the other person.

9. No violence under any circumstances. This means no hitting or hurting each other or yourself and no damaging property.

10. Address the deed, not the doer. It is the behavior you don't like, not the person.

11. Whenever possible, discuss heated issues out of earshot of the children. While healthy problem solving is important for them to see, unnecessary worry and fear is not.

12. Remember, always, that you love each other even though you are disagreeing.

Hopefully, you will be able to establish and agree, together, on “rules” that work for both of you and on a respectful way to remind each other of the guidelines if, in the heat of the moment, one or the other forgets. For instance, stop participating in the discussion and hold up your hand as a signal that the two of you need to return to the rules.

Even if your partner won't participate in making or following the rules, make your own. This is part of living authentically in alignment with your own values and ethics. If only one of you is fighting “fair” it will be better than if neither of you are fighting fair. Most importantly, always remember that the goal of “fighting” is to restore harmony, not eliminate it.

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Shatter Your Illusions
Practice Acceptance of What Is

Recently a business associate wrote me an email complaining that I hadn't yet sent him a document he had requested. I explained to him that I had moved offices and changed computers and was having a difficult time locating it. His response was that since I wrote this article, edited Chicken Soup for the Soul books and wrote my own books, he was disappointed; he expected me to be more organized.

I had to laugh; if any of you have the same illusions, let me shatter them for you now.

There is no doubt about it, I am organizationally-impaired. In fact, a few years ago my girlfriend came over when I was out of town, took pictures of my office and sent them into “Maui's Messiest Home Office Contest.” And-I won.

I am a lot of things, but organized is not one of them. And yet, I still manage to get a long, and do quite well. One of my favorites sayings is “A messy house is the sign of a creative mind.” I share this with you because it is a perfect example of how our illusions, fantasies and expectations lead to disappointment in our relationships. This is especially obvious in online dating where we receive a little information about someone and assume we know a lot. We tend to fill in the gaps between what we actually know, with what we hope to be true and then, when it is not, we blame the other person for not being someone that they never claimed to be in the first place. Our illusions and projections onto the other person are probably one of the biggest causes of difficulty in relationships; that, along with our lack of self-awareness or relationship skills.

We clearly do this in face-to-face relationships as well. Here, we not only project our illusions onto the other person but we also bring a whole host of role expectations to the relationship. We come into the relationship expecting women to be submissive or nurturing or good housekeepers or good cooks or good mothers. We expect men to be strong, to fix things, to make good decisions, to make money, etc. We have an idea of what it means to be a husband or wife, and what marriage should look like. Even as small children we sing, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.” And yet, many of us have done this in the reverse order, have not done it at all, or have chosen any one of the three components to the song- love or marriage or children-but not all three. Undoubtedly, these choices brought disappointment to someone who was still singing the song of expectation for us.
I invite you to begin a practice of self-observation and acceptance. Notice when you are feeling disappointed in someone. Then, notice if you are disappointed because of your expectations of how you had hoped they would be-your illusion or assumption. Sure, there are times when people let us down by not following through on what they said they would do, but right now, I want you to notice how much of your disappointment is from someone being exactly the way they have always been while you keep expecting them to change. Notice how often someone doesn't add up to what or who you think they should be.

After you have begun to notice your part in the disappointment, begin practicing acceptance of what is. Take a deep breath and just accept that the other person is the way they are. When you are truly accepting what is, your next steps will become obvious. If you want to stay in the relationship with them, you will begin to see options for how to strategize to best work together or live together (how you can change what you are doing). If you don't want to stay in the relationship with them just the way they are, you will take steps to get out. Torture for both of you is expecting them to change or be different, and staying miserably in the relationship waiting for that to happen. Freedom and joy is accepting each other as you are, learning new ways to work together effectively, or making a new decision about whether to be together.
Shatter your illusions and set your love free.

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Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

The Law of Attraction is impacted and influenced by where we put our focus and what we value, and the universe is watching us for clues about what we want. A professor of mine used to say, “Social structure leaves its fingerprints on everything,” which means that we leave clues everywhere as to what our values are and what-and who-is important to us, but interesting enough, few of us pay much attention to which “clues” we are leaving.

Consider your friends or potential sweethearts and make a quick assessment of what they appear to value. What kinds of books do they have on their shelves? What does the artwork on their walls tell you about them? How do they spend their time and which topics do they choose to talk about? What do they spend their money on?

Have you ever stopped to look around you to see what you value-or appear to value-by taking stock of what you surround yourself with, and what you spend your money on? Is what you consider to be really important to you truly reflected in what is showing up as important?

Ironically, if you asked most of us what is really important to us and we were really honest, things like life purpose, love and relationships, spirituality, financial stability and health would probably rank pretty high on our lists. However, when you look at what we are willing to spend money on as a reflection of what we value, we tend to put our money on more superficial things-physical appearance, entertainment, and stuff.

We spend money buying an ipod for several hundred dollars, or, as is common here in Hawaii, $100 for dinner and a movie. We'll spend money to go to a concert or for a pedicure and manicure. We'll spend a fortune on a good, flat screen T.V. or a fancy car, all of which are fine things, but how much do we invest in improving our love lives, discovering and living our life's purpose, gaining new skills and tools for enhancing our love lives, establishing a solid health practice as prevention, learning how to manage our finances or to deepen our spiritual lives? Do you spend more on substances to numb your feelings than you do to heal the wounds? Would you balk at spending a hundred or two or three for a couple of hours with a great teacher or healer who could offer you an experience, an insight or new skills that would transform your life? Would you hesitate at buying vitamins or paying extra for organic foods? How much do you put in the donation basket when a spiritual leader gives of his or her time and wisdom to help you awaken your spirit and step firmly on your path? Ironically, many of us are most hesitant to spend our money on the values that matter to us the most.

While the chances of changing society's values overall are pretty slim, we all have the golden opportunity to assess and improve our own, if need be.

Let's let society will follow our lead, rather than the other way around.

1. Take a moment and write down what is really important to you. List your values, define them, and prioritize them.

2. For just one month, try putting your “extra” money, time and conscious effort toward the values that would make your spirit dance. In other words, put your money where your true values are.

3. Notice how the universe rearranges itself to draw to you what you value. You are the magnet, what are you attracting?

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Fair Fighting

On the television show I Love Lucy, Ricky and Lucy were in the middle of a huge fight and were no longer talking to each other. Ricky was complaining to Fred about it when Fred asked, “Ricky, when you and Lucy fight, how long do you usually go without talking to each other?”

Ricky answered, “About three days.”
Then Fred asked, “What happens after three days to resolve it?”
Ricky explained, “I apologize and we make up.”
“Well,” Fred reasoned, “Why don't you just apologize and make up now and avoid three days in the dog house?!”

Fred's wisdom seems so simple, but when we are in the midst of an argument, we often get so caught up in being right that we totally lose sight of our goal: a harmonious, loving relationship. We have to be careful not to turn a small issue into a huge ego battle simple because we lost sight of the big picture goal-love. When you find yourself in a battle in which the only thing at stake is your ego, the best way to get out of the battle is to let the other person win.

In addition to a clearly defined desire to have a healthy, harmonious relationship, you can resolve issues more quickly and easily if you and your partner (or family) create and agree to some rules for fair fighting. Be sure to set up the guidelines when you are not in the midst of a fight. A search on the Internet will yield numerous suggestions for “rules for fair fighting.” Pick and choose based on your and your partner's personality and what makes sense to you.

Here are some examples:
1. Keep your voice to a “conversation” level. Avoid yelling. This can be difficult when you are really upset, but guaranteed, getting louder does not equal being heard.

2. Save important discussions and disagreements for “alcohol and drug-free” moments. It is nearly impossible to have a conversation of value when one or both partners are under the influence.

3. Keep the issue about the present situation. Avoid bringing the past into the argument or mixing issues together (unless they are relevant to the current issue.)

4. Clean up little issues, before they compound into big issues, but avoid being “nit picky” about every little thing.

5. Let go of the ego, i.e., “being right,” and focus instead on the goal of resolving the issue and maintaining a loving relationship.

6. Move on quickly. Once something is resolved or has been expressed, let go of it and move on. Don't bring it up again and rehash it unless it still hasn't been resolved.

7. Take responsibility for your part of the problem. It is always a good idea to see if there is anything you can do differently, before asking or expecting your partner to do something differently.

8. Keep it a clean argument. No name calling or swearing at the other person.

9. No violence under any circumstances. This means no hitting or hurting each other or yourself and no damaging property.

10. Address the deed, not the doer. It is the behavior you don't like, not the person.

11. Whenever possible, discuss heated issues out of earshot of the children. While healthy problem solving is important for them to see, unnecessary worry and fear is not.

12. Remember, always, that you love each other even though you are disagreeing.

Hopefully, you will be able to establish and agree, together, on “rules” that work for both of you and on a respectful way to remind each other of the guidelines if, in the heat of the moment, one or the other forgets. For instance, stop participating in the discussion and hold up your hand as a signal that the two of you need to return to the rules.

Even if your partner won't participate in making or following the rules, make your own. This is part of living authentically in alignment with your own values and ethics. If only one of you is fighting “fair” it will be better than if neither of you are fighting fair. Most importantly, always remember that the goal of “fighting” is to restore harmony, not eliminate it.

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Don't Underestimate the Power of Communication for Growing Love

There was a study done several years ago in which researchers surveyed 1,000 single people asking them what their number one complaint was and the overwhelming majority said, “Loneliness.” So the researchers then asked a thousand married people what their number one complaint was and remarkably, they too answered, “Loneliness!” A certain proportion of that is due to people's poor sense of self-esteem; when they don't feel worthy of love, they don't feel the love and connection to others even when it is there all along, The other significant proportion of those feeling lonely is due to a lack of communication skills. In general, spouses often stop talking to each other about anything that is fun to talk about and instead spend the majority of their talk time arguing, having ego and control battles, or just handling the business of living.

When people are dating, they generally have long involved conversations as they get to know each other. They look forward to phone calls, e-mails, and time together. They talk. The process of discovery is a fun one. Equally fun is the process of sharing yourself with another and enjoying their attention. The challenge is that we get complacent in marriages. We think we know what the other person thinks. We think we know all there is to know and worse yet, we stop asking questions or listening with the pure intent of learning about the other. We begin turning on the television instead of having a conversation or touching. We have gotten lazy and risk losing our spouses on account of it.

After many years of being an online relationship advisor and listening to the stories of couples who have lost their partner to a complete stranger on the Internet, I had to ask, Why would someone leave his or her spouse of many years for a complete stranger online-especially one they have never met? I've come to the conclusion that it is simply because the new person talks to them, listens to them, shows interest in them and instills hope in the future. They appear to care. Since these people haven't met in person yet, you can't even blame the tryst on sexuality or attraction. At this point, the attraction is entirely in their heads. While sexuality may be part of the promise (and that may also be lacking in the marriage), the truth is that they don't even know if they are really attracted to the other. The “hook and sinker” is the conversation and the dream of what may come.

It is fun to have someone ask you questions when they aren't giving you the third degree or judging you. It is fun to share your stories with someone who wants to hear them. It is stimulating to feel that you have something in common with someone. It is arousing to have someone care and pay attention. These types of conversations are literally the “intellectual foreplay” to a more fulfilling relationship. The good news is that you can reinstate or introduce this level of communication in your marriage. Intellectual Foreplay isn't undertaken in an effort to get a task done; it is a task in and of itself.

Practice communcation for the pupose of deepening your relationship, expanding your understanding of each other, stretching your communication beyond day to day living and deepening your intimacy. Begin with being curious, asking questions and sharing of yourself as well. Giving your spouse your undivided attention when they are speaking is also very powerful. Often, after years of being together, we only “half-listen” to what our spouses are saying. Actively listening and engaging in a conversation, no matter how short or even trivial, will create a stronger sense of connection between you.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How carefully do you listen to those who you love?

Love Tip of the Week: Often when a relationship starts to feel distant and “lonely,” it either needs more touching or more talking, or both.

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Lessons for Love (That You Didn't Learn in School!)

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For more in depth information on any of these topics, see Eve's books.
For dating: "Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be" and "Virtual Foreplay: Making Your Online Relationship a Real-Life Success." For marriage or relationship success: "How to Love Your Marriage: Making Your Closest Relationship Work." For spirituality and personal growth: "Way of the Winding Path: A Map for the Labyrinth of Life" and "Rings of Truth."