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Click on the Topic you are interested in:
• Self-esteem • Trust Issues • Fear • Labyrinth
• Dating • Online Dating • Sex • Marriage• Love Tips/Quotes
Click on the title of the Online Dating article you would like to read:
• What Makes a Good Profile?
• Expand Your Criteria, Enhance Your Success
• Put Some Emotion in Your E-mail!
• Have You Posted Your Picture Yet?
• Nice to Meet You…Now What?!
• To Tell the Truth….or Not?
• Choices Abound Online
What Makes A Good Profile?
In face-to-face dating, first impressions often have to do with looks, body language, or some sort of energetic attraction. However, when you are dating online, your profile is the first impression someone will have of you, perhaps second only to an introductory email. Therefore, it is wise to make your profile attractive and interesting to read! Since the multiple-choice options are generic, the essays are where your personality really gets to shine. Take advantage of this opportunity; give people a glimpse of your body, mind and spirit.
Here are some tips for making the most of your profile:
1) Read other people's profiles and “study” what draws you in and what doesn't. Notice whether you like humor, optimism, sarcasm, metaphors (I'm like a racecar-fast and untamed), straightforward commentary, computer abbreviations (LOL), emoticons :-) AND notice the length of information that you prefer to read. Be sure your profile is the kind you would want to read.
2) Reread your profile essay answers, do a spell check, and edit/add to it if it is too short or doesn't really say what you want it to say. In general, short phrases and one-sentence essays are sufficient for turning someone off, but insufficient for turning them on. It only takes a couple misspent-or misspelled-words to cause someone to rule you out, but to have someone instantly consider you “mate potential” will require a little more thought and effort. Does your essay share what is important to you? Would a reader walk away from it feeling like they've had a peek into your heart and soul? If not, ad to it! Who are you? What matters to you? How do you spend your time? What are your life goals? What kind of person are you looking for? What qualities do you admire? Which activities do you want to share with a partner? What do you respect-in yourself and in others? Share yourself! This is an introduction, so introduce yourself! You don't need to write a novel, (save some for later!) just share enough so that someone knows how you differ from the millions of other profiles on the site!
3) Reread your profile regularly, update it, edit it, and add to it. Make sure it is positive and honest. Guys: I highly suggest you take any sexual commentary out of your profile as that is usually a number one turn off to women. What turns women on is someone who cares about them as interesting individuals, first.
Love Tip:
Reread your profile and make sure it shares who you are and what you want! A little more is a little better than a little less!
Intellectual Foreplay Question:
If you could only share one thing about yourself with someone else, what would that most important thing be?
Expand Your Criteria, Enhance Your Success
A gentleman wrote to me recently saying that he had been dating online for a year with no luck in finding that special someone, until finally he got an email from her-as in “the one!” As they got to know each other, they discovered that she, too, had been dating online for a year with no luck. Curious as to why they hadn't found each other earlier, since they were both on the same site and were so well suited, they analyzed their search criteria and figured out what the problem had been. It turns out that she was a year older than the criteria he was searching for and he was an inch shorter than she was searching for; they were missing each other by an inch and a year. It was then that they realized that their success wasn't about “luck,” it was about strategy.
As you date online, I encourage you to evaluate your strategy, too. Are there areas in your search criteria that you could expand to yield greater results? If you searched within 150 miles from home, instead of a hundred, would you be more likely to find your sweetheart? If you searched within a wider age range, a different hair color or height, would that bring you more matches? Consider whether your search criteria are really important to you, or if you just filled out the search field in an arbitrary manner. Sometimes we limit our opportunities with preconceived notions of what criteria would constitute a match and what wouldn't, when in actuality, if you simply expanded your criteria, you would also enhance your success!
Intellectual Foreplay Question:
What are your non-negotiable issues? What qualities are really important to you in finding a date-or a mate?
Love Tip: Consider what you have always thought “your type” to be. Then compare that “type” to the real life people you have dated. Has “your type” really proven to be “your type?” If not, perhaps you need to change your mind about who and what is right for you!
Put Some Emotion in Your E-mail!
The electronic world has provided an amazing way for us to connect and interact with others, but how do we put E-motion into our E-mail? With the absence of body language, nodding heads, smiles, winks and the myriad ways we find to communicate how we are feeling, we have had to become incredibly creative creatures for finding ways to express ourselves electronically!
Since email can easily be misunderstood by reading the wrong “tone of voice” in messages, it is important that we take steps to make our intended tone of voice heard. This can be done through adding simple words and abbreviations into the text of your message: “smile, kidding, and LOL (laughing out loud)”-are frequent additions to let someone know when we are being playful. Explanation points!!!!, bold lettering, and capital letters (the equivalent of YELLING) can also be immensely useful for communicating feeling.
Emoticons are also popular. These are those little faces made up of punctuation marks that you have to turn your head sideways to see.
Smiley face :-)
Winking face ;-)
Frowning face :-(
Face to face romance typically involves eye contact which is hard to achieve via email. Hence, the email equivalent is to use the other person's name periodically in the body of your message. This lets him or her know that you are speaking to them-as if gazing into their eyes (and that you didn't accidentally send them a message meant for someone else!)
The email equivalent of listening involves responding to what was said in a previous email or profile. People love to know that they have been heard and their thoughts mattered to you enough to comment on them-so let them know!
Pictures can also be sent to replace a romantic setting. Including a picture of a tropical sunset isn't quite the same as being there, but does set the tone for your message.
Let your creative juices flow to make your email stand out and to be felt, not simply read. The letters we feel are the letters we keep!
Have You Posted Your Picture Yet?
Pictures are worth a thousand words, not just to see if someone is physically attractive but to see how wise they are as well. Wisdom says:
1) Use an accurate, recent, clear picture of you. Take your sunglasses off-let them see your eyes, the “windows to the soul.” Profiles with pictures receive approximately nine times the response as those without. If you aren't sure if you have a good representative picture, ask a friend or family member to help you pick a good one.
2) Use a picture of you alone, or with a pet. Don't put a picture of yourself with a member of the opposite sex on the site. The viewer may think your sibling is your sweetheart or that you are still involved with someone else, and rule you out.
3) Don't put a picture of yourself with someone cut out, with only an arm left around your shoulder, as again, it leaves too much room for he imagination to fill in the blanks. It is also best not to use your previous wedding pictures!
4) If you absolutely can't bring yourself to post a photo, describe yourself in your profile essays with words. “I am 5'4 and have blond curly hair. I have a bright smile, a sparkle in my eye and a 'dance' to my step. I'm not as active physically as I'd like to be, but I could be influenced! I'm healthy, strong, graceful and proportionate.” Paint a picture of yourself with words. Give them something to go on!
Relationships involve body, mind and spirit, make sure your profile shares all of these aspects of yourself through images and words. Your potential Dream Mate is looking for you, help him or her to find you!
Love Tip: Deception is never a good place to start a friendship or relationship. An accurate picture will lead to a fulfilling first meeting, inaccurate ones lead to disappointment.
Intellectual Foreplay Question: What does your photo say about you?
Nice to Meet You…Now What?!
Meeting someone new and going on that first date can be fraught with anxiety-primarily over how to keep the conversation going and flowing. Practicing Intellectual Foreplay can help!
Intellectual Foreplay is the preparation for a relationship through the stimulating process of getting to know another person by asking and answering questions-an excellent way of exploring each other through conversation! Here are some tips to help you!
1. On a first date, keep it light and fun! A little forethought can go a long, long way. Think about what you love to do, what activities you would love to share with someone else and start your conversations there. It helps a lot if you pose the question, answer it yourself, and then ask your date. For instance, “What do you like to do in your spare time? I enjoy scuba diving, reading and art projects, what about you?” By approaching the question in this way, you have shared something about yourself and will likely learn something about him/her, as well.
2. Avoid “yes/no” questions. The way you pose the question can make a big difference in the kind of response you get.
3. Evoke your natural curiosity. When he/she tells you something, ask questions about what they shared to yield more information and conversation. “You like to scuba dive? Where have you been diving? What is the neatest thing you've seen?”
4. As you get to know each other better and are more comfortable, begin to weave in questions that reveal your and your date's values. “If you had to sum up yourself in two to five words, what words would you choose? I think mine would be, love, laughter, devotion, friendship and family. What about you?” Then, listen carefully for the answer-not for right or wrong answers, but answers that are a complimentary match for you!
To Tell the Truth….or Not?
I am often asked how to handle the truth while dating online when the truth may scare a great potential partner away or cause them to jump to judgements and assumptions-before they've gazed into your eyes. The dilemma is a big one! What I'm finding is that most people wish to be truthful about things like being in recovery from alcoholism, remission from cancer, having a difficult or troubled child or teen at home, etc. The reality is that we all have a variety of challenges that we face and anyone entering into a relationship with us deserves to know what they are getting into-just as we do about them. The real question is how to go about telling the truth and exactly when.
I personally feel a lot of information can be revealed in the essay section of a profile so that people are told right up front-or at minimum in an early email or conversation. However, HOW you go about saying it will make all the difference as to whether your life challenges are considered a “little red flag” warning them to stay away or an attitude of “wow, this person is amazing. Look at all she/he's gone through and come out a winner!”
A couple of tips for telling the truth:
1. Keep in mind that you are not alone with whatever it is you are challenged by. It may be that your sweetheart is looking for someone who understands the challenges facing him/her and by you sharing your truth, they are assured that you understand. Someone who's survived cancer may love the opportunity to be in a relationship with someone who has experienced similar emotions. Someone who is in recovery may feel they can only be in a relationship with someone else in recovery. Someone challenged with parenting may be looking for someone as interested as they are in finding healthy solutions for troubled kids. Sharing your story may help you find just the supportive partner you are looking for! If your situation scares someone away, they are likely not the right partner for you.
2. Be sure to tell your challenges from a perspective of “this is how I am better, stronger and wiser from what I've faced” rather than “this is how I am damaged and why I'm not a good mate….” This is a self-esteem issue and will require you looking at your problems from a new perspective. Ask yourself, “How am I stronger, wiser, more capable, more appreciative, more compassionate, more forgiving, more spiritual, more persistent, more confident, on account of what I've been through?” Then, share in your profile/email what you have to offer a relationship on account of that growth.
People are far more interested in a relationship with someone who faces their problems, and learns and grows from them than with someone who has a victim mindset. In addition, as you honor yourself for the strides you've taken and all that you have managed and overcome, you will be more confident in sharing yourself with others.
One of the benefits of online dating is that it helps us to recognize that we have a lot of options. We can choose to be passive and wait for people to contact us. We can choose to be assertive and send an inquiry to a person that intrigues us. We can choose to delete a message or respond. We can choose to take what someone says seriously, or personally, or explore it more deeply, or simply ignore it. We not only have choices about whom we date or marry, but we also have the choice of how we behave and the quality that we bring to our relationships.
Responsibility is Powerful
The good news is that choice is very powerful. The bad news-at least to some-is that choice requires responsibility. Personally, I like taking responsibility for myself and my life. I like knowing that if I don't like something, I can respond to it in a new way and create a new situation. I like knowing that I am the author of my life and if I bring in a character that is a villain, I can “write” that person out or change the way that I interact with that person minimizing their impact on me. If I don't have enough love in my life, I can choose to be more loving. There is tremendous freedom in embracing that responsibility.
That we have choices seems so obvious, but so often we get into difficult situations and rather than recognizing that we can make choices that change what is happening in our lives, we get stuck. We get stuck when we think that what needs to change is the other person, or the situation, rather than our response to the other person or the events in our lives.
Dishing It Out
The Internet offers us a degree of ease in decision making. The good news about this is that we are getting better at determining what we will and won't put up with and what we want and don't want in a relationship. The bad news is that because we are not face to face with the people we are talking to, often we don't have to deal with the consequences of our choices. If we don't write back to someone, or if we simply break up or say mean things via email, we don't have to handle their hurt. We can simply delete any further messages from them. This separation from the impact of our words and behavior on other people can cause us to disassociate from our responsibility for our actions. We need to be conscious about our choices and aware of the impact that we have on others-even if we can't see them.
Look at All the Skills You Have Gained!
As we become more practiced, via the Internet, in making choices about what we want, defining our comfort zones and establishing our boundaries, we can then bring those same skills into our every day, face to face, relationships. Imagine a world in which people are able to clearly articulate what they need and how they are feeling, let someone know when their feelings are hurt and clear it up right away, or stop a relationship immediately if it is not in alignment with their values. People are hungry for honest, clear communication. We are tired of the confusion of playing games, following arbitrary rules and trying to second-guess what someone else is thinking. By becoming aware of the skills we are developing on the Internet and consciously applying them in the rest of our lives, we can make huge strides in creating healthier relationships.
What have you learned about yourself by interacting with others online?
This question is far more powerful than it first appears. No book or teacher can instill lessons upon you like you can learn yourself by taking a moment to self-reflect and pay attention to your own life experiences. Without taking that moment, however, you may not even realize the benefits you are gaining.
For more in depth information on any of these topics, see Eve's books.
For dating: "Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be" and "Virtual Foreplay: Making Your Online Relationship a Real-Life Success." For marriage or relationship success: "How to Love Your Marriage: Making Your Closest Relationship Work." For spirituality and personal growth: "Way of the Winding Path: A Map for the Labyrinth of Life" and "Rings of Truth."
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