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Happily Ever After Starts at the Beginning
Vows, What Do We Really Mean

Happily Ever After Starts at the Beginning….

I have performed hundreds of weddings and have come to the conclusion (completely unverified) that you can tell a lot about the dynamics of the marriage by how the couple behaves while getting married. One wedding I performed involved a couple that already had a child. While the groom focused on his friends in the audience, the bride focused on their baby and neither of them appeared to be aware of the other. Their marriage only lasted a few years. Sometimes the bride and groom don't appear to have any awareness about what they are saying as they repeat their vows; rather a glazed over, deer-in-the-headlights look is in their eyes.

Since wedding season is right around the corner here are some wedding-and marriage-tips that can help:

o Be cognizant of what you are agreeing to-be sure that the vows truly reflect the meaning of your commitment..

“For better for worse” doesn't mean, “until you cheat on me.” And “In sickness and in health” doesn't mean, “I'll stay with you as long as you are young, attractive, healthy and active.” So, if what you really mean when you get married is that this is a conditional agreement, be clear about it. If what you really mean is “I'll be with you until you break our vows” or “I'll be with you as long a it is fun and easy” or “I'll love you until you gain weight, “discuss this with your partner and make sure that marriage is what you really want to do. After all, there really isn't a lot of point in getting married if you aren't serious about doing the work. And if you have valid conditions (and yes, there definitely are some), be clear going in as to what they are. “I'll stay with you as long as we are both contributing to a low-drama, zero-violence, harmonious and respectful, drug-free household” may actually be more in alignment with what you really mean.

With that said, “doing the work” in a marriage doesn't mean “tolerating you until one of us dies” either. Rather, it means putting some time and energy into making sure that you have some relationship skills, are responsible for your own self-esteem, have discussed the “big issues” and are in agreement on how to go about solving problems.

o Remember that this is a sacred ceremony-not a performance. Weddings often seem more like a highly rehearsed performance than the creation of a powerful union. Do your best to be focused on what is happening now, between you and your partner.

o Contrary to popular belief, a wedding is not a photo shoot. While everyone wants beautiful photos of their wedding day, a beautiful experience is even more important. If you are focusing all your attention on whether your pictures are going to look good, whether your hair is in place, and whether the ring is showing up properly, you are going to miss the moment. Let your photographers know that you are willing to pose your pictures after the ceremony if they aren't able to get exactly what was needed during.

o Be in the moment: Notice what your partner's eyes are like while you are saying your vows. Notice the meaning of the words being said. Take note of your senses-what do you smell, hear, see, feel as you share your vows?

As I say when officiating ceremonies, “This commitment is the alignment of your words, which speak boldly of your intentions, and your actions, which speak louder than your words.” The same holds true in the marriage itself. Align your words, thoughts and actions with your goal of creating a harmonious, loving relationship. Be clear about what you are and are not willing to do. Take responsibility for what you bring to the table. Be present and aware.

When the couple is really aware during the ceremony, there is a sweet, “chicken-skin” feeling that is tangible and an honor to share with them. If they continue to be present in their relationship, that sweetness can permeate a lifetime together.

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What does marriage mean to you?

Love tip of the Week: Marriage is not a romantic fairy tale and happily ever after may require a lot of work. The work, however, is not on your partner; it is on your own clarity and self-mastery-right from the start.

Vows, What Do We Really Mean?
Make a Vow of Honesty for the New Year

I was performing a wedding this week when, in the middle of repeating the vows, it became painfully obvious that the couple didn't speak much English. I said, “til death do us part” and the bride repeated in her heavy accent, “til debt do us part.”

It didn't occur to me until afterwards that her version was probably more accurate! First, in my experience, death doesn't bring the relationship to an end-at all. After my mom died, we no longer even needed a phone to be connected. Secondly, there is no doubt that debt can wreck havoc on a relationship. It reminds me of the bride who suddenly began stuttering in the middle of her ceremony, “…for richer and for p-p-p-poorer.”

With the divorce rate at an all time high, you have to wonder-if people were 100% honest when they said their wedding vows, what those vows would actually sound like. One bride asked me while planning her ceremony, “Can we take the 'faithful' part out of the vows? I am not really sure I can commit to that right now.” I had to give her credit for honesty. How many of us have looked back on our wedding ceremony in an effort to determine-exactly what we agreed to, for exactly how long?

If he were totally honest, would Brad Pitt say, “I will love and cherish you until the next film in which my leading lady is even sexier than you are.” And would Jen or Angie have agreed anyhow?

In our own relationships, would we more honestly say, “I will love you and cherish you until all those little things you do start to drive me crazy”? Or, “I will love you until you cheat on me and then I will take you to the cleaners and make you so commitment phobic that you will be afraid to ever love again.” Or, when asked, “Do you accept her to be your lawfully wedded wife…,” might we romantically add, “I do-as long as she does everything I tell her to do.” Or, “I do-as long as he allows me to mold him into what I really want in a partner.”

What would happen if, instead, we made the vow, “I promise to love you and myself through all the lessons of life and when things get really difficult, I will do everything in my power to learn new skills and gain new tools for keeping my communication clear and honest, taking personal responsibility for my experience, my actions and my emotions, growing spiritually, and keeping our love healthy and alive…”?

At a time when most of us are going to launch into the New Year making commitments to ourselves in the form of resolutions and goals, what kind of vows are we making and how honest are we even to ourselves?

Before you start your list of resolutions, really ask yourself how committed you are to what you are proclaiming. If it isn't something you really intend to do, either don't make the vow or alter it to state the truth. If you do intend to take your vow seriously, but you just don't know how to execute it-get help. Read how-to books, hire a coach or personal trainer, pray, practice, join a group, strategize and get support. Do the internal work necessary to make your external goals a reality.

Alignment is the name of the game. Align your words, thoughts and actions with what you are trying to create. If your goal is a loving relationship-make sure your words and actions are in alignment with that cause. If you are saying or thinking mean and nasty things, you are out of alignment with your goal. If so, you are likely out of alignment with your integrity as well. When you are out of alignment with who you really are and what you really want, the results you get will not be the results you want.

By taking the time to make vows that you really mean and follow through on, you build your integrity and your self-esteem. This, in return, strengthens you to create healthier relationships-with others and with yourself-and empowers to create the life you really want.
I wish for you joyful, healthy relationships in the New Year!

For more in depth information on any of these topics, see Eve's books.
For dating: "Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be" and "Virtual Foreplay: Making Your Online Relationship a Real-Life Success." For marriage or relationship success: "How to Love Your Marriage: Making Your Closest Relationship Work." For spirituality and personal growth: "Way of the Winding Path: A Map for the Labyrinth of Life" and "Rings of Truth."